Adults Jokes..

Funny Adults Joke here

Proxy Mix-Up
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really ?" the photographer asked.
"Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

The Show Off
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

'If I do 250 kph, will you take off your clothes?' he smirked. 'Yes,' said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 250, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.

Bill Gates and Hugh Grant
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"

Grooms to the left, Brides to the right
A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative. The Parrot, being a male, sneaks out and screws the next door neighbors turkeys and rushes back home, but not before being caught in the act.

The Rodeo Rider
Two blokes are having a beer, talking about various sex positions.

The first bloke says that his favorite position is he "rodeo."

The other bloke asks what the position is and how to do it.

Wood Worth
There once was a man with a permanent erection. Try as he could, he couldn't get it to go down. Finally, he went to his local pharmacy, where he encountered a female pharmacist.

"I'd like to speak to the male pharmacist," he said.

She said, "I'm a professional. I run this pharmacy with my sister, who is also a professional. Anything you can tell a man, you can tell us."

Canoe View
Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along
the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream.

Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I`ve
always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge."

The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don`t see anyone around, now`s your chance!"

Las Vegas Vacation
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

Dream Situation
Three guys are traveling and they need to get a room for the night. They put all of their money together but they still only had enough money to get one room, so that meant they all had to sleep in one bed.

They slept that night and when they woke up the guy on the far left said, "I had the weirdest dream, I dreamed that I was beating off."

The guy on the far right said, "I had the same dream."

Mike meets John at a bar. "Hey John!" he yells. John greets him back and says, " Hey you know that girl at work? the one that damn near everytime I see her i get hard?" "Yeah the fine thick one, what about her?" says Mike. "I got a date with her." "REALLY!" Mike replies in excitement. "Yeah It was earlier on today " John says. "Well, what happened?" "Well, before I left the house I taped my tool to my leg so i wouldn't get hard and I headed 2 her house and so when I get there she comes out in this short skirt with some pumps and ALL of her cleavage showing and... "Yeah and what" Mike says. " I kicked her in the face.""

The woman went along to the behavioural centre to tell them about her problem pet.
"He keeps chasing cars" she explained.
"well, not to worry. It's quite normal and in time the dog will grow out of it."
"but u don't understand" she wailed.
"he keeps burying them in the back garden"

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

A Husband comes home with a half gallon of Ice Cream. He asked his wife if she wants some.
"How hard is it?" she asked.
"About as hard as my dick," he replies.
To which the woman replied, "OK, then pour me some!"