Funny Jokes

A man visits the doctor. The doctor says "I have bad news for you.You have cancer and Alzhiemer's disease". The man replies "Well,thank God I don't have cancer!"

Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. He says "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."

The flood is over. The Ark is parked neatly on the top of Mount Ararat, and Noah is standing alone on it's deck, not one animal on board. "Bloody Animal Liberation League!" exclaims Noah.

I'm late for work because I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop reliving sunday (tight up until the explosion). I was able to exit from the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source by exactly e*log(pi) clocks while simultaneously rapping my dog on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. This was strange as I don't own a dog. Accordingly I will be late for work, or early.

The company sergent is briefing the recruits: "For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father, and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you know what that makes you..."

A husband said to his wife 'Get your coat on love, it's time to ge down the pub'. She replied 'But you NEVER take me out'. 'I'm not,' said the husband, 'but I'm turning the heating off before I go.'

Two cows in a field. One says to the other 'What do you think about this mad cow desease?' The other one replies 'Blimey! a talking cow!'

An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died, so she took them to the taxodermist, 'So you want them mounted?' asked the taxidermist. To which she replied ; 'No. Holding hands will do just fine.'

There were four 80 year old men playing golf. One complained the hills were to high. The second complained the bunkers were too deep. The third said the holes were too wide. The fourth one said 'Shut up! At least we're still on the right side of the grass!'

A man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said 'Your wife's mind has completely gone!'. To which the man replied 'I'm not surprised. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!'

An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man. 'What are you doing' he shouted. To which his wife said to her lover 'I told you he was stupid'